Borat: Design vs. Evolution Make Glorious Kidnap Warmhearting Valentine Meme

or, What Would Happen In the Borat Sequel If Kristine Signed A Release.
A peek into my sick mind. Be warned: I have it on dubious authority that I am not a lady.

(I’ve been holding onto this one for a while—and it got recast, due to an actor’s spat with the director (me)—but here it is, offered with love and shimmies to all. It's a joke, people. Do not take this too seriously! And if anything, the joke's on me.)

UPDATED: Maybe I should have just used these!

INTRODUCTION
Borat: Kristine, I want you teach me the belly-dancing!
Kristine: All right, Borat. First you'll learn what everyone else always wants to learn: how to slide your head.
Borat: Slide my head?
Kristine: Yes. There's a muscle at the back of your neck...
Borat (big grin): You want I get to slide my head--you mean, I get to...?
Kristine: No, Borat! No. Your head. On your shoulders. Slide it back and forth, like this.
[Kristine slides her head back and forth. Borat's head stays still and he jerks his shoulders back and forth.]
...

Kristine: Borat. Are you broad-minded?
Borat [confused, still dancing or whatever you'd call it]: What?
Kristine: Broad-minded. You know. You like new ideas... challenges?
Borat [stopping now with sudden purpose]: Yes, Borat is a very broad-minded. May I say, you are sumptuous broad! [Borat stretches out arm like he's grabbing for a doughnut.]
Kristine [ducking expertly--she's done this before]: Thank you. Then I need your help, Borat.
Borat [with a big grin]: Yes? Borat help beautiful Kristine!
Kristine: Well, that's sweet of you. I appreciate that. You know that quaint custom of yours, of kidnapping the bride? With the sack, and everything?
Borat: YES! Is way most peoples get make togetherness!
Kristine: I want you to kidnap that man for me. [Points at intended victim.]
Borat [incredulous]: You want I should kidnap that man for you?

KRISTINE'S DESIGN VERSION
Borat [nervously approaching victim]: Hello! My name Borat!
Dembski: Man, don't kiss me! [Ducks kiss.]
Borat [quavering with fear, awkwardly holding sack]: My friend. I wish to greet you. I wish to show you my sack. I made it with great big fat purpose! It designed!
Dembski [still backing away]: Yes, very nice. Look, I need to--I'm in rather a hurry...
Borat [misquoting what Kristine told him to say]: I make sack to bring you my pineapple! I mean, goddess make bring world to you!
Dembski [thinking, "Oh, one of those"]: Well, uh--thank you very much. And, Blessed Be. Thank the Goddess for rice'n'beans, or whatever you say. [With an expression that says, "Now I need to go wash out my mouth"] If you'll excuse me...
[Borat throws sack over Dembski's head.]
Dembski [muffled]: Hey!
Borat: Now my friend. I put you in trunk. Please to hold still.
[Unintelligible yells from the sack.]
Kristine: In the truck, in the truck, Borat--you dolt! What do you take me for? And be careful with him, for goodness sake. That's not a balloon-babe you're squeezing! You'll hurt him.
Dembski [muffled]: Hey! Let me out of here! Are you crazy? WTF?
Kristine [incredulously to a grinning Borat]: Did goody two-shoes just swear?

UNDIRECTED EVOLVING SCENARIO
Borat [nervously]: Hello! My name Borat!
Dembski: Man, don't kiss me! [Ducks kiss.]
Borat [quavering with fear, awkwardly holding sack]: My friend. I wish to greet you. I wish to show you my sack. I made it with great big fat purpose! It designed!
Dembski [still backing away]: Yes, very nice. Look, I need to--I'm in rather a hurry...
[JAD runs up and grabs sack from Borat, who surrenders it without a struggle.]
JAD: Aha! [Throws sack over Kristine's head.] You are no lady, young lady. A past escape possible, a present escape undemonstrable!
Kristine [muffled]: Hey!
JAD: It's hard to believe, isn't it?
Borat [to JAD with a big, smarmy smile and a salute]: She all yours, my friend!
Dembski: What's going on? Who invited the nut?
Borat: John my very good friend! John very wise. He me show what make to how [Dembski: "What? I can't understand a word you're saying."] evolution stop.
Kristine [muffled, stuggling in the sack]: JHC! Let me out of here! Are you crazy? WTF? Borat! You traitor!
JAD [stuggling mightily with the sack, and beaming]: I'll just put the girl evolutionist extraordinaire into my hummer! I love it so!
Dembski [with a wicked smile dawning]: Ohhh, yeah! Good idea, John. You do that. Maybe play a little Hossam Ramzy on the stereo until she calms down. No, I've got a better idea--drive Boom-Boom to the nearest Falafel King instead. She'll like that.
[Unintelligible outraged yells from the sack.]
Dembski [to Borat]: The last place you want to be is between Amused Muse and the feta. Trust me. I have the footprints on my back to prove it.
[Borat, not understanding, smiles broadly but vacantly.]
Kristine [stung]: Just because you scarfed so many of the scotch-basted baby back ribs that you couldn't make it to the buffet table in time to get a third helping of avocado dip before I could! And what make you think you'll survive a night with me, JAD-About-Town? Ali-Bubba? What makes you think that you can handle—

[Suddenly, there is a huge explosion. JAD drops the sack. Kristine pokes head out of sack to see JAD squatting (due to last-minute recasting, use of stunt double here) beside his front tire.]

JAD [crestfallen]: I don't know how to change a flat tire.
Kristine: Yeah? Well, I do.
JAD: I love it so! That's good news.
Kristine: It sure is!
[Kristine climbs out of sack and stalks off down the road.]
JAD: Just where do you think you're going, you hyperventilating harlot?
Kristine: FALAFEL KING OR BUST! [Gives JAD the finger and walks on.]
Dembski [in a mocking monotone, while winding his watch]: Hey, Kristine, come back. Where have you been all my life. Don't leave me know, when I need you so. Oh, don't leave. [Sneezes]
[Kristine turns around in a huff while Dembski smiles down at his watch. Kristine points at Dembski, then at Borat.]
Kristine: You two make a fabulous couple. Maybe you should rent a hotel room.
Dembski: Awwww! How original! Somebody saw Thelma and Louise! [Kristine turns her back again.] Kristine, baby. You got it goin' on, girl. Yeah, you know it. Mmm-hmmm! [Kristine turns around again.] Oh, here it comes--yeah, give me the finger, girl, go right ahead. You're a class act. Bring it on. [Kristine blows Dembski a kiss and flounces away.]
[Borat smacks Dembski on the back so hard that he starts coughing]
Borat: You got it on-going, dude!
Dembski [coughing]: Yes. [Recovers.] A feint. That was great.
Borat [deeply concerned]: You feel about to faint?
Dembski [irritated]: No!
[Kristine, in the distance, turns around again.]
Kristine: This is not over, Bill, honey!
JAD [suddenly rising to the occasion]: It is all over! Evolution is over! I keep telling you subnormal creeps that, but you herd of illiterate cowards cannot realize—
Dembski [yelling over JAD at Kristine]: Oh, not by a long shot this is not over! It's not over! Honey! See you later! [Kristine turns her back again and continues walking, and Dembski chuckles.]
JAD [without taking a breath]: --you debilitated Dawkins-slobberers who are so enamored of each other, slurp, slurp! Go ahead and hitch-hike to the Isle of Lesbos, and become the next Ann Miller of Darwinian shimmies! Entertain the pettifoggic evolutionist natives! It's hard to believe, isn't it? I love it so!
Borat: My friend. She want I kidnap you!
Dembski: Yeah, I know.
Borat [incredulously]: Woman kidnap man? [They both laugh.] Is stupid!