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Amused Muse

Inspiring dissent and debate and the love of dissonance

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Location: Surreality, Have Fun Will Travel, Past Midnight before a Workday

Master's Degree holder, telecommuting from the hot tub, proud Darwinian Dawkobot, and pirate librarian belly-dancer bohemian secret agent scribe on a mission to rescue bloggers from the wholesome clutches of the pious backstabbing girl fridays of the world.



Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Borat: Design vs. Evolution Make Glorious Kidnap Warmhearting Valentine Meme

or, What Would Happen In the Borat Sequel If Kristine Signed A Release.
A peek into my sick mind. Be warned: I have it on dubious authority that I am not a lady.

(I’ve been holding onto this one for a while—and it got recast, due to an actor’s spat with the director (me)—but here it is, offered with love and shimmies to all. It's a joke, people. Do not take this too seriously! And if anything, the joke's on me.)

UPDATED: Maybe I should have just used these!

INTRODUCTION
Borat: Kristine, I want you teach me the belly-dancing!
Kristine: All right, Borat. First you'll learn what everyone else always wants to learn: how to slide your head.
Borat: Slide my head?
Kristine: Yes. There's a muscle at the back of your neck...
Borat (big grin): You want I get to slide my head--you mean, I get to...?
Kristine: No, Borat! No. Your head. On your shoulders. Slide it back and forth, like this.
[Kristine slides her head back and forth. Borat's head stays still and he jerks his shoulders back and forth.]
...

Kristine: Borat. Are you broad-minded?
Borat [confused, still dancing or whatever you'd call it]: What?
Kristine: Broad-minded. You know. You like new ideas... challenges?
Borat [stopping now with sudden purpose]: Yes, Borat is a very broad-minded. May I say, you are sumptuous broad! [Borat stretches out arm like he's grabbing for a doughnut.]
Kristine [ducking expertly--she's done this before]: Thank you. Then I need your help, Borat.
Borat [with a big grin]: Yes? Borat help beautiful Kristine!
Kristine: Well, that's sweet of you. I appreciate that. You know that quaint custom of yours, of kidnapping the bride? With the sack, and everything?
Borat: YES! Is way most peoples get make togetherness!
Kristine: I want you to kidnap that man for me. [Points at intended victim.]
Borat [incredulous]: You want I should kidnap that man for you?

KRISTINE'S DESIGN VERSION
Borat [nervously approaching victim]: Hello! My name Borat!
Dembski: Man, don't kiss me! [Ducks kiss.]
Borat [quavering with fear, awkwardly holding sack]: My friend. I wish to greet you. I wish to show you my sack. I made it with great big fat purpose! It designed!
Dembski [still backing away]: Yes, very nice. Look, I need to--I'm in rather a hurry...
Borat [misquoting what Kristine told him to say]: I make sack to bring you my pineapple! I mean, goddess make bring world to you!
Dembski [thinking, "Oh, one of those"]: Well, uh--thank you very much. And, Blessed Be. Thank the Goddess for rice'n'beans, or whatever you say. [With an expression that says, "Now I need to go wash out my mouth"] If you'll excuse me...
[Borat throws sack over Dembski's head.]
Dembski [muffled]: Hey!
Borat: Now my friend. I put you in trunk. Please to hold still.
[Unintelligible yells from the sack.]
Kristine: In the truck, in the truck, Borat--you dolt! What do you take me for? And be careful with him, for goodness sake. That's not a balloon-babe you're squeezing! You'll hurt him.
Dembski [muffled]: Hey! Let me out of here! Are you crazy? WTF?
Kristine [incredulously to a grinning Borat]: Did goody two-shoes just swear?

UNDIRECTED EVOLVING SCENARIO
Borat [nervously]: Hello! My name Borat!
Dembski: Man, don't kiss me! [Ducks kiss.]
Borat [quavering with fear, awkwardly holding sack]: My friend. I wish to greet you. I wish to show you my sack. I made it with great big fat purpose! It designed!
Dembski [still backing away]: Yes, very nice. Look, I need to--I'm in rather a hurry...
[JAD runs up and grabs sack from Borat, who surrenders it without a struggle.]
JAD: Aha! [Throws sack over Kristine's head.] You are no lady, young lady. A past escape possible, a present escape undemonstrable!
Kristine [muffled]: Hey!
JAD: It's hard to believe, isn't it?
Borat [to JAD with a big, smarmy smile and a salute]: She all yours, my friend!
Dembski: What's going on? Who invited the nut?
Borat: John my very good friend! John very wise. He me show what make to how [Dembski: "What? I can't understand a word you're saying."] evolution stop.
Kristine [muffled, stuggling in the sack]: JHC! Let me out of here! Are you crazy? WTF? Borat! You traitor!
JAD [stuggling mightily with the sack, and beaming]: I'll just put the girl evolutionist extraordinaire into my hummer! I love it so!
Dembski [with a wicked smile dawning]: Ohhh, yeah! Good idea, John. You do that. Maybe play a little Hossam Ramzy on the stereo until she calms down. No, I've got a better idea--drive Boom-Boom to the nearest Falafel King instead. She'll like that.
[Unintelligible outraged yells from the sack.]
Dembski [to Borat]: The last place you want to be is between Amused Muse and the feta. Trust me. I have the footprints on my back to prove it.
[Borat, not understanding, smiles broadly but vacantly.]
Kristine [stung]: Just because you scarfed so many of the scotch-basted baby back ribs that you couldn't make it to the buffet table in time to get a third helping of avocado dip before I could! And what make you think you'll survive a night with me, JAD-About-Town? Ali-Bubba? What makes you think that you can handle—

[Suddenly, there is a huge explosion. JAD drops the sack. Kristine pokes head out of sack to see JAD squatting (due to last-minute recasting, use of stunt double here) beside his front tire.]

JAD [crestfallen]: I don't know how to change a flat tire.
Kristine: Yeah? Well, I do.
JAD: I love it so! That's good news.
Kristine: It sure is!
[Kristine climbs out of sack and stalks off down the road.]
JAD: Just where do you think you're going, you hyperventilating harlot?
Kristine: FALAFEL KING OR BUST! [Gives JAD the finger and walks on.]
Dembski [in a mocking monotone, while winding his watch]: Hey, Kristine, come back. Where have you been all my life. Don't leave me know, when I need you so. Oh, don't leave. [Sneezes]
[Kristine turns around in a huff while Dembski smiles down at his watch. Kristine points at Dembski, then at Borat.]
Kristine: You two make a fabulous couple. Maybe you should rent a hotel room.
Dembski: Awwww! How original! Somebody saw Thelma and Louise! [Kristine turns her back again.] Kristine, baby. You got it goin' on, girl. Yeah, you know it. Mmm-hmmm! [Kristine turns around again.] Oh, here it comes--yeah, give me the finger, girl, go right ahead. You're a class act. Bring it on. [Kristine blows Dembski a kiss and flounces away.]
[Borat smacks Dembski on the back so hard that he starts coughing]
Borat: You got it on-going, dude!
Dembski [coughing]: Yes. [Recovers.] A feint. That was great.
Borat [deeply concerned]: You feel about to faint?
Dembski [irritated]: No!
[Kristine, in the distance, turns around again.]
Kristine: This is not over, Bill, honey!
JAD [suddenly rising to the occasion]: It is all over! Evolution is over! I keep telling you subnormal creeps that, but you herd of illiterate cowards cannot realize—
Dembski [yelling over JAD at Kristine]: Oh, not by a long shot this is not over! It's not over! Honey! See you later! [Kristine turns her back again and continues walking, and Dembski chuckles.]
JAD [without taking a breath]: --you debilitated Dawkins-slobberers who are so enamored of each other, slurp, slurp! Go ahead and hitch-hike to the Isle of Lesbos, and become the next Ann Miller of Darwinian shimmies! Entertain the pettifoggic evolutionist natives! It's hard to believe, isn't it? I love it so!
Borat: My friend. She want I kidnap you!
Dembski: Yeah, I know.
Borat [incredulously]: Woman kidnap man? [They both laugh.] Is stupid!

Labels: , ,

13 Comments:

Anonymous JanieBelle said...

You really should have hired Kate, Dear.

;)

February 15, 2007 7:13 AM  
Blogger Kristine said...

I know, I know. I thought I could trust Borat.

At least I got mentioned in the same breath as Ann Miller, who I could never be and who, unlike Bill and George W., was a real Texan.

February 15, 2007 9:06 AM  
Blogger PiGuy said...

You are NO lady, Miss Muse!

I am, however, looking forward to the movie version.

February 15, 2007 9:57 AM  
Blogger C8H10N4HO2O2 said...

Beautiful. Moving. A light, delightful confection, a souffle of a date film. "Borat: Design vs. Evolution Make Glorious Kidnap Warmhearting Valentine Meme" asks the eternal questions: What is true love? How do we know when we've found The One? Will Jennifer Lopez ever make another movie which doesn't give the investors' incurable ulcers? Will John A. Davison ever change his sign-off? And will a filmed depiction of a passionate affair between William Dembski and Sacha Baron Cohen be Oscar gold in the same manner as was Brokeback Mountain? See it with someone you love, and find out.

-- Cosmo's film reviewer.

February 15, 2007 11:47 AM  
Blogger Kristine said...

Jana Dembski [brightly]: So, Casanova! What do I have to do to get you off the couch and fix the washing machine? Perform the Dance of the Seven Veils?
Dembski [throwing down copy of Boggy Creek Times]: Uggghhhh… [Gets up reluctantly]
Jana: Pretend it’s an anti-belly dancer forcefield generator!
Dembski: She’s a lunatic. Somebody ought to lock her up, except she’d probably enjoy it. [exits room]
Jana [following him into utility room]: “Kidnap sack! Put him in the trunk!” Ha, ha! I’ve had an idea to do that, myself! R’arr!
Dembski: Grrrr… [Reaches for wrench]
Jana: That was pretty funny when you both went for the last cheesy-poof. I’ve never seen anyone put them away the way she can.
Dembski: And they’ll never report that at AtBC! Look, who’s side are you on, anyway?
**Jana smiles and remembers a funny incident from the buffet last night:
**Jana: Okay, here we are. I brought the hot dogs, the steaks, the hamburger patties, the ketchup and mustard, the potato salad, and the chip.
**Kristine: Did you bring the diploid?
**Cut to Dembski standing some feet away, talking to another man.
**Man: Well, Amused Muse and your wife seem to be hitting it off.
**Dembski: I don’t know! The two of them just looked at me and started laughing.**
Share the love!

February 15, 2007 12:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I not like Borat. Too crood!!! Too vulgah!!!
Scotius

February 16, 2007 9:06 AM  
Blogger Kristine said...

Borat made it up to me, everyone.

He filled that bridal sack full of cheesy-poofs!

February 16, 2007 11:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Send Borat back to Kazakhstan to be execute.
Scotius

February 16, 2007 12:21 PM  
Blogger Kevin said...

Kristine - Once Wargoon Flishe gets past its big premier, maybe John can film this? 9 days and counting...

February 16, 2007 4:08 PM  
Blogger Kristine said...

Oh, let's just keep this little momentary lapse o'mine secret from John, eh? Shhh... :)

What? Nothing! Nothing! ;-)

February 16, 2007 4:37 PM  
Blogger Kevin Scott said...

I didn't realize you were already so famous...

I KNOW THE FAMOUS KRISTINE HARLEY

February 16, 2007 8:29 PM  
Blogger Kristine said...

And Wargoon Flishe is all about cannibalism, just so you know...

Quite the couple, aren't we? ;-)

February 19, 2007 9:39 AM  
Blogger برامج said...

very good Kristine very good أيفون

October 18, 2010 11:57 AM  

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