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Amused Muse

Inspiring dissent and debate and the love of dissonance

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Master's Degree holder, telecommuting from the hot tub, proud Darwinian Dawkobot, and pirate librarian belly-dancer bohemian secret agent scribe on a mission to rescue bloggers from the wholesome clutches of the pious backstabbing girl fridays of the world.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Our Man Buck, Left Behind

UPDATED: Left Behind can't hold a candle to The Rapture, a daring film about a convert to Christianity who believes in God, but cannot bring herself to love Him. As far as I'm concerned, The Rapture is the ultimate apocalypse film because the end of the world takes place inside the main character, and I would be extremely interested in what believers think of this film.
I just watched the Kirk Cameron version of Left Behind and I have a few questions.

1. I thought "all dogs go to heaven"? ;-) No dogs went to heaven in this film! They were all sitting by their disappeared owners' clothes. I don't get it. Did the dogs do something wrong? (Ditto for the gerbils, but we won't talk about what they may have done.)

2. Why does the guy playing the Antichrist look so much like Kent Hovind? ;-)

3. In how many films do I have to see someone pray in a public restroom?

4. Do Christian Dispensationalists, like Cameron, understand that atheists are people who live without a belief in God, not people who merely ignore God, then start spouting scripture when the plot calls for it as if they completely believed it all along?

5. How can ten people sit in a room with an armed Antichrist without rushing the asshole? Especially since he repeatedly turns his back on people? And why didn't the guards standing right outside the antechamber, who heard the staged shots, hear the real shots fired by the Antichrist?

6. Is there some commandment against having an intelligible plot? Maybe even some action, instead of people yakking the plot for the audience, as if this were a radio play?

7. Does Kirk Cameron honestly believe that anyone at the UN can keep a secret for more than 10 seconds?

8. Next time, could Cameron find a suit that fits him, or is he into Men's Gangsta Warehouse wear?

9. Why doesn't Cameron tell the story of the people who were raptured? Why tell the story of the people who were Left Behind? If the incentive is to get people to believe in Cameron's message, then surely showing how wonderful our reward in heaven is would be a more effective conversion tool than detailing the adventures of a bunch of womanizing, blow-dried, wealthy, selfish, oblivious, and tie-dye wearing (nice touch, that!) atheists, or at least what Cameron thinks is an atheist. (Oh, and the name "Buck," coupled with the repeated exhortations to "follow the money!" Subtle, man. Cameron's a real Checkhov, for sure.)

After all, if God didn't care about these twits, why is the audience supposed to? Why make a movie about them, instead of one about what happens in heaven?

Could it be that such a movie, with such characters, would not be, uh, very interesting? Because it wouldn't have an, um, plot? (Not that this one did. No, I don't care about the car expoding - I saw that coming.) And does that say something about what Sidney J. Harris courageously called the "necessity of evil"?

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think your time would have been better spent watching "Plan 9 From Outer Space". Yeoch, that headache you must have had at the end.


June 26, 2007 1:34 AM  
Blogger Joshua said...

"4. Do Christian Dispensationalists, like Cameron, understand that atheists are people who live without a belief in God, not people who merely ignore God, then start spouting scripture when the plot calls for it as if they completely believed it all along?"

Obviously, no. And it didn't take Left Behind for me to realise that.

By the way, most of the crappiness actually comes from the novels rather than Cameron. Even the "follow the money" schtick. Definitely read the series at Slacktivist about the novel.

June 26, 2007 2:16 AM  
Blogger Rev. BigDumbChimp said...

You've been tagged

June 26, 2007 7:06 AM  
Anonymous DieFundie said...

1. I thought "all dogs go to heaven"? ;-) No dogs went to heaven in this film! They were all sitting by their disappeared owners' clothes. I don't get it. Did the dogs do something wrong?

I once had a discourse with a Jehova's Witless at my front door in which they claimed that dogs don't have feelings. I was aghast. My dog experiences pain, love, remorse, joy. Apparently I've been mistaken all these years about these being feelings, and I should start accepting the literal word of Bronze-age mythology!

Another classic from the same Witless: "If evolution is true, then why are the apes still here?" ROFL!

June 26, 2007 9:24 AM  
Blogger Doug said...

They definitely prefer the stick to the carrot. Heaven is always described vaguely as your own personal mansion with unspecified "treasures," streets paved with gold (why?), and lots of singing the praises of god (yuck). On the other hand, they love detailing the tortures of hell or the suffering of martyrdom. Fundies are kinky that way.

I wish MST3K would have tackled some of these Xian movies.

June 26, 2007 9:28 AM  
Anonymous elbogz said...

Every generation of Christians has said, we are the last ones. Even the early church of Corinth, as described in the book of Corinthians, was in great chaos when Jesus did not return in one generation as he claimed.

There were a great number of churches during World War 1 that said, this is the great war, the beginning of Armageddon. But that generation came and went. You are hard pressed to find a single Christian today that doesn’t say these are the last days, and all the signs of the bible are here.

I always wanted to ask the question, didn’t God promise after the flood not to destroy the world again? The main answer I got was, oh, that was by flood. He never said, I won’t destroy it by fire.

I would also like to hear the church account for the history of the “end of the earth”. How is it, that every generation and every church for 2000 years got it wrong?

June 26, 2007 10:46 AM  
Blogger Cat's Staff said...

1. I thought "all dogs go to heaven"?

That's what Christians should be paying us atheists to take care of after they leave...we'll call it Rapture Insurance - We'll take care of your pets and your children who were too young to have been born again. $100/yr per pet/kid should do it ($150 for large dogs/kids) ... We'll have that MN Atheists building fund overflowing in no time.

June 26, 2007 11:20 AM  
Blogger homo escapeons said...

Animals don't have a soul ya silly!

I spent an entire decade debating with my fellow pentcHOSTILEs about whether animals would make it upstairs. I'm OK now.

I would think that American Dogs would get raptured because they live better, healthier lives than most human beings.

Plus remember Gord Gecko's line in Wall Street. "Buddy Boy the thing that you have to remember about WASPs is that they LOVE animals, can't stand people."

Millenialism is as Americana as apple pie. The reason that America isn't mentioned in the End Times is because most of them are Raptured and the country is effectively kaput!

70 million people have read Tim WhattheHaye's book and realise that there is no point in trying to make America better if the Rapture is going to happen any day now.

Let them go. The biggest problem with the aftermath is that most of the available McMansions left behind are in the Tornadic alley known as the Bible Belt. Ironic how god sure loves his tornadoes.

Plus with over half of the population gone the 79 years of Oil that we have left will go a lot further so go ahead and grab one of the empty SUVs that were left behind.

June 26, 2007 1:32 PM  
Blogger Kristine said...

I've seen Plan Nine. I dragged John to it at the Walker Art Center when they were having an Ed Wood retrospective. "You humans are about to learn how to explode the sunlight. Your scientists have already learned to explode the atom. But light is made up of many atoms!" Phhhht! *Eyeroll* Oh, yes. Migraine-inducing laughter.

Thank you, Joshua, I will check out Slacktivist when my life settles down a bit(?).

DieFundie, did that Witness ever see the movie Old Yeller? How about Sounder? Lassie? What planet was that person from?

I wish MST3K would have tackled some of these Xian movies.

Damn! What a great idea - I'm a HUGE MST3K fan! That would be a great idea for a MN Atheists cable show.

"Rapture insurance" is a great idea. I've been wracking my brains trying to come up with a funny scam, but not to make money, just to put a twisted meme out there that will unravel itself and maybe make some people think.

Millenialism is as Americana as apple pie.

You're right, Homo Escapeons, even the whole idea of America is a Revelations idea, although it used to be, create a nice planet for Jesus to come back to (premillenialism), which though I don't buy it I find preferable to this popular postmillenialism, dispensationalism cult. (And that's what it is, a cult, and occult to boot. How 'bout dat?)

"Tim WhattheHaye" - hahahahaha!

June 26, 2007 4:55 PM  
Anonymous ajlec2000 said...

The Left Behind series was a great idea but should have been written by Phillip K. Dick. The movies should have been directed by Kurosawa. The message in the movies seemed to be only good actors go to heaven.

As far as the dogs go I seem to remember some believer explaining to me only people have souls and as such animals don't go to heaven.

June 27, 2007 2:19 PM  
Blogger Doug said...

"The movies should have been directed by Kurosawa."

I'd rather see Jim Jarmusch do it. And Tom Waits could do the theme song.

The best part of an MST3K treatment would be watching the impressionable Crow pray the sinner's prayer (that he found in a Chick Tract perhaps?) so that he can be saved and not be left behind, and then neurotically pestering everyone else on the Satellite of Love about whether they think it worked and if he shouldn't maybe feel different or if salvation shouldn't have been accompanied by some discernible special effects or something.

June 27, 2007 2:37 PM  
Blogger Kristine said...

The movies should have been directed by Kurosawa.

Oh, that would rawk. We could tell the same story four different ways, from four different characters' points of view!

I'd rather see Jim Jarmusch do it. And Tom Waits could do the theme song.

That rawks bigger! Steve Buscemi would make a great Buck!

DOUG! Your MST3K treatment is a GREAT IDEA! I wonder if Joel would let us continue the series? I've often thought that it was time for a woman to kick some droid butts on the Satellite of Love!

She could, you know, arrive on the ship and, right before those two, strip down to her underwear - like Ripley in Alien - and then pull the zipper on her flesh-and-underwear colored body suit to reveal her jeans and t-shirt that says, "True Love Waits for Godot."

Crow and Servo (disappointed): "Awwww!" :-D

June 27, 2007 3:15 PM  
Blogger Doug said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

June 27, 2007 3:47 PM  
Blogger Doug said...

"True Love Waits for Godot."

I like it.

We'll have Pearl Forrester unload the aging SOL on some Xian Institute (making a tidy profit). They kidnap our atheist heroine and launch her into space to subject her to their own experiments: making her watch fundy movies in their quest to see what can convert an atheist. With her sense of humor, intelligence, bot companionship, and a healthy joie de vivre she mocks and debunks whatever they throw at her.

"We'll send her Christian movies, the best we can find, la la la,
she'll have to sit and watch them all while we pray that God will change her mind, la la la"

(o.k., so the meter needs a little work)

June 27, 2007 3:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My inaugural address at the Great White Throne Judgment of the Dead, after I have raptured out billions! The Secret Rapture soon, by my hand!
Read My Inaugural Address
My Site=

July 22, 2007 1:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, I just watch Left Behind on the local God channel 25. I can't find any listings online for the channel and my PVR won't even acknowledge it. What station is 25 in the Twin Cities???

July 27, 2007 11:06 PM  
Blogger Kristine said... channel 25 is ESPN, but I know what you mean... Ha!
I found it!

Channel 25
Network: TBN
Cities Served: Minneapolis/St. Paul
Owner: Trinity Broadcasting

July 27, 2007 11:21 PM  
Blogger Kristine said...

Secret rapture, I have been warned about hash brownies. Now I warn you against them. They mess with teh mind. ;-)

July 27, 2007 11:27 PM  

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