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Amused Muse

Inspiring dissent and debate and the love of dissonance

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Location: Surreality, Have Fun Will Travel, Past Midnight before a Workday

Master's Degree holder, telecommuting from the hot tub, proud Darwinian Dawkobot, and pirate librarian belly-dancer bohemian secret agent scribe on a mission to rescue bloggers from the wholesome clutches of the pious backstabbing girl fridays of the world.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Vaginal Re-Gifting

Just when you thought this country couldn't get any dumber:

Victoria Watts, a 23-year-old single mother of two small children who lives in Canton, Ohio, lost her virginity at 16 with her high school boyfriend.

She was the granddaughter of a Pentecostalist pastor and the daughter of an assistant pastor, and she believed sex outside marriage was wrong. “I felt really bad from a religious standpoint,” she recalls of the experience. “My thoughts were really clouded because I was so emotionally bonded with my boyfriend. That overshadowed my religious world.”

Though the relationship lasted for seven years and produced two beautiful children, a part of Watts always felt guilty. She wished she could step back in time and recapture her lost virginity. Thinking of how “I could have ruined one of greatest fulfillments of my life,” the first time having sex with a husband, she wanted to “have that opportunity again. I know my [future] husband deserves a whole person.”

So Watts engaged in a lot of prayer and thought, and now declares herself a virgin once again. “The most important thing was to realize what my values were and what I want in the future and the bigger goals in my life," she says. "That’s why I can call myself a renewed virgin.”

Across the country, "revirginization" appears to be gaining steam. Spiritual efforts to reclaim virginity emerged back in the early 1990s and now, prompted by abstinence-only school courses taught to thousands of girls nationwide, and by religious teachers, there are reports of more and more young women like Watts attempting a sexual do-over. Other women are opting for a more radical route to reclaim their virginity: surgical replacement of the hymen, the small membrane that stretches from the walls of the vagina and that typically breaks when a woman first has intercourse — or for many other reasons, from tampon use to vigorous exercise.

Yeah, well, something tells me that we don't have to worry too much about hymens breaking during "vigorous exercise" other than the kind of exercise that is supposed to break hymens.

Religion gives one an excuse for everything.

Just put an "r" between the "g" and the "i" in my post title, and there you have it. That's what it is, folks.

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Blogger Matt D. said...


Kidding. :)

February 29, 2008 2:00 PM  
Blogger aredant said...

Oh - I'm so relieved - I was afraid that maybe her and her BF might have produced two UGLY children.

I cant help thinking that the term "beautiful children" is a euphemism for "I wish I didn't have to take care of these little boogers"

I got an idea - how about if they take the money they spend on getting the hymen reconnected (OMD!) and spend it on a tubal ligation.

Where did they get this crap?

"Across the country, "revirginization" appears to be gaining steam."

According to who?

February 29, 2008 2:33 PM  
Blogger Kristine said...

Yes, Matt D., exactly. Va-grin-al.

Cake. Eat. Too. *Wink*

Rev. Barky, it’s gathering steam according to the (religious and medical) quacks who planted this article in order to have free PR for their cottage-cheese, burgeoning re-virgining industry. So this religious guilt-trip called “abstinence-only” isn’t working. That’s how we’re “fighting AIDS” in Africa, too. It’s a disgrace.

February 29, 2008 3:12 PM  
Anonymous Janine said...

So, as the result of regaining her virginity, does her two beautiful children retroactively become the result of immaculate conceptions?

February 29, 2008 3:41 PM  
Anonymous JanieBelle said...

Thank you Kristine. Thank you very frickin' much.

There I am, minding my own damned business by reading everybody else's business in my RSS reader, and "Vaginal Re-Gifting" shows up in great big letters.

I just choked on a soda and spit all over my monitor.

You should have to come here and clean this up.

February 29, 2008 4:15 PM  
Blogger Kristine said...

So, as the result of regaining her virginity, does her two beautiful children retroactively become the result of immaculate conceptions?

That occurred to me, too. I was also wondering if it makes one vulnerable again to “Satanic sacrifice.” (Ah, the good old 1990s.)

You should have to come here and clean this up.

Okay. I’ll mop your monitor with Ben Stein if I can get my hands on him. That and some pledge (“True Love Waits”) should do the, er, trick.

February 29, 2008 4:55 PM  
Anonymous JanieBelle said...

Well, just be more careful next time, would ya'? The awesome power of that keyboard comes with great responsibility.



February 29, 2008 6:04 PM  
Blogger Joshua said...

Well, to nitpick, I do know somebody who broke her hymen in non-sexual vigorous exercise. In her case, horse-riding. So, there are situations where it can happen. Just sayin'. ;)

(She apparently got shit for it from her first boyfriend, which is, on the other hand, not cool.)

February 29, 2008 11:59 PM  
Blogger Kristine said...

Yeah, and he was probably screwing around, too. It's okay for men. *eye-roll*

March 01, 2008 2:01 PM  
Blogger octopod said...

Actually, it's quite common to lose your hymen in "vigorous exercise" (of the nonsexual sort), given that it's right there near the outside. The classic example is a bike accident -- I'm sure I don't need to draw you a picture.

March 01, 2008 6:34 PM  
Blogger aredant said...

I am pretty sure that I had one experience taking someones virginity.
I don't think I even knew what a hymen was at the time. I don't recall this being an issue in the least - although a broken rubber was.

March 03, 2008 2:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All the modern cults have this obsession with sex. Sex, death, sex, death. Please put me in a Walt Disney freezing tank until the sun worship is over and we accept that we have no idea what consciousness is, let alone what happens after death, if anything. Sex is good and fun when enjoyed by willing participants. It is never dirty or nasty unless that's your warped attitude toward it. Please, religious nuts of the world, remove your cult from my culture.

March 05, 2008 12:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. It's strange that being "spiritual" is associated with being "deep", and yet these people's thoughts and ideas of self-worth are focused squarely on their genitals. Come on, ladies, you're more than a vagina!

March 06, 2008 11:07 AM  
Blogger Kristine said...

Hey anonymous, maybe there's some kind of ritual we can perform to purify ourselves of having heard of revirgining? ;-)

Me, I just wish I could go back to the state my brain was in before I ever heard the song "Rock Me Amadeus."

It's strange that being "spiritual" is associated with being "deep", and yet these people's thoughts and ideas of self-worth are focused squarely on their genitals.

I can only hope that this woman's future mate will only say, "Yeah? Well, I just healed my credit rating by prayer, also."

March 06, 2008 4:39 PM  

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